My love you can see and you can know. I sat up all night thinking how is it so. It doesn’t feel like much maybe, but I need you to know. The way you are, the grit on your cheeks, the fear in your bones, the glass over your heart, it’s heavenly oh.
You aren’t the boy in the yard, or the lost one who is alone. You have delicate ears, soft eyes, rough hands and a soul of stone. The world has been bothersome and you chose beat over bone. Beautiful and sweet, pure and kind, grasping to own.
The dust around your body, the particles placing you astray, just wash them away. There’s a warmth, a cold, a warmth, a cold, just try and stay, just today, okay? You are protected by the special ones, to that I am one, you can play. Different shades, green and yellow, purple and black, no matter, they’re colours all the same, tones created from fray.
Lifting and moving, rolling and sliding you are more than tools, silt and trucks. You are lightning and strength and sensitive forces inherited from the mucks. The windows are always open you can choose what to breathe, it doesn’t have to suck. Without the blocks there is nothing to know how to surrender to and survive… shucks.
The giving from your hand and the easy way you go, the wind sweeping into your nose, you appease. I listen from all the way over here, I can hear the woe and the yearn to please. The last time you spoke, it was a goodbye that will rest far out wide and down in the depths of many seas.
I will always be watching you, my eyes scan the valleys and search the caves. Listen not to the ones who hold defence, who let compassion slide, who can’t see inside, who enjoy the rave. Your tired mind, your stretched emotions, listen less to them, be brave. The sparkle in your chest, you can rely and listen, you know what’s gone, and what you gave.
Missing them only means you are human. That the connection mattered and was important. Missing them doesn’t mean you are meant for each other, or it’s destiny or that it’s important to forget the incompatibilities because the good stuff was so good. Missing them means you lived, and gave your heart and now you are changed. Maybe you’re changed forever because of them. You aren’t changed for the worse because they are gone, but you are changed for the better because they were there. Not everyone on this earth is lucky enough to have experienced that one soul who, at the right time shows up and reaches inside you and ignites something unexpected, special and sort of life changing and maybe saw something in you that no one else ever had.
Even if you’d done a lot of healing up until when they arrived and you understood your patterns, your nervous system and you were more aligned with your true authentic self, if that person got a seat in your car, your partially healed car, your solitary car that generally remains empty without any passengers, that person, was definitely meant to sit beside you. And when they left the vehicle, they’re actually still sort of there, maybe just now in the backseat…or the trunk, or hanging out on the roof.
I don’t think there’s an amount of time, analysis, processing, understanding, reminiscing, questioning, trying not to miss, or rationalizing that will take them away from that nice place inside of you that is and forever will be, grateful for what they gave. Even when you know that you are better off without them and that you can’t have them in your life, that they are not meant to stay, it somehow doesn’t make it easier knowing that, especially if there wasn’t anything really awful, or the ending wasn’t terrible enough to have you feeling really relieved. That’s maybe even harder, when it’s just a slow fade, a distance created unintentionally, (or maybe intentionally), just two people moving in certain directions whose lives, needs, interests just no longer jive.
I think that some people are directed onto our path to teach us necessary lessons and to bring out pieces and parts of us that had been dormant prior to their arrival. And the length of time they are to stay with us, a specific calculation not to go unnoticed or ignored. But to examine in that very exact time frame what was gleaned, about yourself, about them, about the connection…and about life.
What was awakened as a result of their presence could have only come from them and no one else. The wisdom acquired from having them in your life, a necessary and difficult teaching. It’s cosmically surreal and amazing if you think about it really intimately. Who you were in those moments with them maybe you won’t be with anyone else or maybe you will but a slightly different and better version. It’s beautiful the way the Universe can send us the people who are meant to help us understand and learn the things we are supposed to and then take them away to teach us that important life skill of knowing when to let go and to give us the clarity that their absence brings.
And maybe out of the two of you, there was one who felt it harder, who maybe this relationship meant more and they cared harder, let their walls down faster and easier and just made the decision to fly and feel it all and to let what needed to come out during that time, just explode and flow freely. And maybe that’s where the misstep was. Or maybe you both were just on completely different pages of the same book and never really reading things the same way the entire time. Whatever it was or wasn’t, when you stop forcing, everything that is meant for you starts flowing effortlessly. Having their arrival and departure both feel unforced, is a strong and natural indication that the both of you still are, on the right path. Missing someone isn’t a message or sign that you’re not healing, it’s just a natural part of letting go.
I’m forever thankful for you. I’ll never forget and I’ll always be sending positive energy your way. Thank you for seeing me and for caring. My heart carries your warmth and I hope yours carries mine too.
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” – Martin Luther King Jr.
There was once a family with a dog and a cat, a small-ish backyard (with so much dog poop in it, just never ended) and a basketball net and there were gatherings around a big antique dining table eating lovely meals, the four of us, sometimes the five of us. We are still that family. Just older and wiser, separated, but still part of the same island.
Remember when the dog ate half of my Birthday cake? Remember when she ate my raincoat when I was seven and she pooped out and puked up the zipper and the ties?
Remember when you and I were in the car with Dad and we drove past that place that said “Carpets” and there was a pretty dramatic space in between the word “car” and “pet” in the sign and I shrieked and said, “Oh my God, Dad…can we please get one?!” And he said, “Get what?” “A car pet! That would be so fun to have in the backseat with me while we drive.” You and Dad started laughing so hard and I didn’t get it until you said, “No Emmy, it’s carpets, like you put on the floor, like the carpets we have at home.” Saddest day of my life that was. I thought legitimately, that we could go into that store and pick out a pet for our…car.
Remember that time I came to Queen’s to visit you and slept on the floor in your dorm room residence and wore that amazing painted overall onesie thing with a tam and I saw my high school gym teacher at the Homecoming football game drunk, and he was awkward and it was amazing? Then you took me to my first house party/keggar. That was one of the best weekends ever. I remember telling my friends all about it and they thought I was so cool.
Remember those really cold mornings in that white, two door truck with the plastic seats when you’d drive me to school and it took the exact time it takes to get to school for the heat to finally come on and start working? Just as I was stepping out of the truck, the heat kicks in. I never minded, because I felt warm anyway. Hated those kilts though, man what a pain.
Remember when you guys got me a waffle maker for Christmas one year? I don’t think I’ve ever made so many waffles in my life. Sunday mornings, just fired those suckers out, kept going and going until that waffle iron could take no more, and then I made more, just in case. Add it to the pile. I loved that waffle maker, it made me really happy making waffles for everyone.
Remember those times sitting in the car after my horse shows, eating from that big container you would put together with awesome stuff for “make your own sandwiches?” I loved that. And we sat in the car with my pony outside happily nibbling on the grass, crunching his carrots while we relaxed and talked about how I rocked the jump off? What a speed demon. Horse show days were the best. Sitting in the grass with a horse nibbling beside me, nudging me, one of the greatest feelings.
Remember that little hotel we stayed at in Alice Springs and the bathroom light didn’t work and I stayed up until 2:00am watching Godzilla on the TV hanging from the ceiling and our two single beds were like 2.5 feet apart from one another, and you said it was the most comfortable bed you’ve ever slept in?
Remember that time in Port Douglas when we were sitting on the balcony of our little hotel apartment, The Queenslander, and as the sun was setting the parrots and cockatoos were going absolutely berserk? We had just come back from being at the beach and the ocean was too warm to swim in so we had to swim in the pool at the hotel to cool off.
Remember that time you ran over the cat in the driveway? The cat was black and it was nighttime, it wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have seen it. That was awful. But I think we got a new cat soon after that if I’m not mistaken? Maybe not, my memory is blurry at that time. But I remember one of the cats used to kill birds and leave them on the windowsill, that was morbid and disturbing. I’d always see them there because I was usually in the grass in the front yard looking for bugs, collecting rocks and talking to myself. I’d sometimes watch the cat as it would hop up onto the windowsill and place the dead bird there. Was kind of cool. They had a very predictable system the cats…killing the birds, then displaying them.
We have survived a lot this wonderful family. We have created beautiful lives for ourselves and not without struggle and hardship for each of us. Our truths are our own and we have become people that I very much respect, admire, love fiercely and who I am grateful to call my blood, my people.
The path has not been an easy one. For any of us. But it has been a path we all have traveled down together, separately, apart, but still intertwined as a connected unit. The love that is inside all of us for each other, and the wonderful, sweet and joyous memories that we have together whether all together, apart, or in pieces, but still a part of the same island, is something I am grateful for. I am a better person because of all three of you. I am a wiser and stronger person because you three are my family. I would not trade my struggles for a different life, nor do I look back with sadness. I look at what all of us has created individually, and who we have become, and I am amazed at our abilities to hold true to ourselves, our integrity, to stay afloat, optimistic and to continue reaching for what we believe in and want for ourselves and also for each other. I am so proud of you sister. I am so proud of you Mom. I am so proud of you Dad. I am proud of me too.
All I see today are four exceptional human beings that have fought tooth and nail to create their truest and most beautiful life, sometimes amidst chaos. What we have all chosen to do with our pain is inspiring and it makes me feel happy to think of how brave we all are. We are still here, showing up for each other in the ways that we know how to and that we can.
Remember that time when you had a sleepover with all your friends in the basement and in the morning, I ran down and jumped on all of them in their sleeping bags with the cats bouncing about? Thanks for having a sleepover with your friends, I had fun being your annoying little sister (just that once).
Remember that time we went to the baseball game and you got nailed in the arm with a baseball and had a huge bruise for days? I remember that even before the ball came our way, I just knew, that it was going to come at us. Before it was even hit, I could sense it coming. And you still have that baseball! (glad you don’t have the bruise still). I loved going to Jay’s games with you, thanks for being such a devoted baseball fan Mom. I love that we still share this.
Remember the times you would bring those amazing cookies to my rugby games in that special wooden “cookie box” that you made and my rugby team just about went nuts each time you brought them for us for after the game? I know you really loved that, and we did too. Thanks Dad for doing that, all the times you went to that place and bought all those packages of cookies for me and my teammates. It meant a lot and I bet some of them still remember those cookies. Hard to forget those cookies.
Dear family, we have loved, lost, loved some more, lost some more, but in all this losing and loving we are all still the best people I know. You are my favourite people. We trudge on and keep moving forward. Life is in motion. Let’s keep loving and living and create more memories together, individually, apart, in fragments, but still always connected. Thank you for bringing me into this world.
Emma Wisdom 