wisdom

Losing and Loving

~ Emma ~ 2 Comments

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

There was once a family with a dog and a cat, a small-ish backyard (with so much dog poop in it, just never ended) and a basketball net and there were gatherings around a big antique dining table eating lovely meals, the four of us, sometimes the five of us. We are still that family. Just older and wiser, separated, but still part of the same island.

Remember when the dog ate half of my Birthday cake? Remember when she ate my raincoat when I was seven and she pooped out and puked up the zipper and the ties?

Remember when you and I were in the car with Dad and we drove past that place that said “Carpets” and there was a pretty dramatic space in between the word “car” and “pet” in the sign and I shrieked and said, “Oh my God, Dad…can we please get one?!” And he said, “Get what?” “A car pet! That would be so fun to have in the backseat with me while we drive.” You and Dad started laughing so hard and I didn’t get it until you said, “No Emmy, it’s carpets, like you put on the floor, like the carpets we have at home.” Saddest day of my life that was. I thought legitimately, that we could go into that store and pick out a pet for our…car.

Remember that time I came to Queen’s to visit you and slept on the floor in your dorm room residence and wore that amazing painted overall onesie thing with a tam and I saw my high school gym teacher at the Homecoming football game drunk, and he was awkward and it was amazing? Then you took me to my first house party/keggar. That was one of the best weekends ever. I remember telling my friends all about it and they thought I was so cool.

Remember those really cold mornings in that white, two door truck with the plastic seats when you’d drive me to school and it took the exact time it takes to get to school for the heat to finally come on and start working? Just as I was stepping out of the truck, the heat kicks in. I never minded, because I felt warm anyway. Hated those kilts though, man what a pain.

Remember when you guys got me a waffle maker for Christmas one year? I don’t think I’ve ever made so many waffles in my life. Sunday mornings, just fired those suckers out, kept going and going until that waffle iron could take no more, and then I made more, just in case. Add it to the pile. I loved that waffle maker, it made me really happy making waffles for everyone.

Remember those times sitting in the car after my horse shows, eating from that big container you would put together with awesome stuff for “make your own sandwiches?” I loved that. And we sat in the car with my pony outside happily nibbling on the grass, crunching his carrots while we relaxed and talked about how I rocked the jump off? What a speed demon. Horse show days were the best. Sitting in the grass with a horse nibbling beside me, nudging me, one of the greatest feelings.

Remember that little hotel we stayed at in Alice Springs and the bathroom light didn’t work and I stayed up until 2:00am watching Godzilla on the TV hanging from the ceiling and our two single beds were like 2.5 feet apart from one another, and you said it was the most comfortable bed you’ve ever slept in?

Remember that time in Port Douglas when we were sitting on the balcony of our little hotel apartment, The Queenslander, and as the sun was setting the parrots and cockatoos were going absolutely berserk? We had just come back from being at the beach and the ocean was too warm to swim in so we had to swim in the pool at the hotel to cool off.   

Remember that time you ran over the cat in the driveway? The cat was black and it was nighttime, it wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have seen it. That was awful. But I think we got a new cat soon after that if I’m not mistaken? Maybe not, my memory is blurry at that time. But I remember one of the cats used to kill birds and leave them on the windowsill, that was morbid and disturbing. I’d always see them there because I was usually in the grass in the front yard looking for bugs, collecting rocks and talking to myself. I’d sometimes watch the cat as it would hop up onto the windowsill and place the dead bird there. Was kind of cool. They had a very predictable system the cats…killing the birds, then displaying them.

We have survived a lot this wonderful family. We have created beautiful lives for ourselves and not without struggle and hardship for each of us. Our truths are our own and we have become people that I very much respect, admire, love fiercely and who I am grateful to call my blood, my people.  

The path has not been an easy one. For any of us. But it has been a path we all have traveled down together, separately, apart, but still intertwined as a connected unit. The love that is inside all of us for each other, and the wonderful, sweet and joyous memories that we have together whether all together, apart, or in pieces, but still a part of the same island, is something I am grateful for. I am a better person because of all three of you. I am a wiser and stronger person because you three are my family. I would not trade my struggles for a different life, nor do I look back with sadness. I look at what all of us has created individually, and who we have become, and I am amazed at our abilities to hold true to ourselves, our integrity, to stay afloat, optimistic and to continue reaching for what we believe in and want for ourselves and also for each other. I am so proud of you sister. I am so proud of you Mom. I am so proud of you Dad. I am proud of me too.

All I see today are four exceptional human beings that have fought tooth and nail to create their truest and most beautiful life, sometimes amidst chaos. What we have all chosen to do with our pain is inspiring and it makes me feel happy to think of how brave we all are. We are still here, showing up for each other in the ways that we know how to and that we can.

Remember that time when you had a sleepover with all your friends in the basement and in the morning, I ran down and jumped on all of them in their sleeping bags with the cats bouncing about? Thanks for having a sleepover with your friends, I had fun being your annoying little sister (just that once).

Remember that time we went to the baseball game and you got nailed in the arm with a baseball and had a huge bruise for days? I remember that even before the ball came our way, I just knew, that it was going to come at us. Before it was even hit, I could sense it coming. And you still have that baseball! (glad you don’t have the bruise still). I loved going to Jay’s games with you, thanks for being such a devoted baseball fan Mom. I love that we still share this.

Remember the times you would bring those amazing cookies to my rugby games in that special wooden “cookie box” that you made and my rugby team just about went nuts each time you brought them for us for after the game? I know you really loved that, and we did too. Thanks Dad for doing that, all the times you went to that place and bought all those packages of cookies for me and my teammates. It meant a lot and I bet some of them still remember those cookies. Hard to forget those cookies.

Dear family, we have loved, lost, loved some more, lost some more, but in all this losing and loving we are all still the best people I know. You are my favourite people. We trudge on and keep moving forward. Life is in motion. Let’s keep loving and living and create more memories together, individually, apart, in fragments, but still always connected. Thank you for bringing me into this world.

The Price of Shoes

~ Emma ~ Leave a comment

Buying new shoes, especially ones that really fit, can change a lot of things. And when I say “fit” I don’t mean like, “Oh these are so much comfier than my other ones!” I mean, they fit on a level that change how you exist and think. Your muscles, bones, ligaments, energy, it’s just different, more aligned, springier, more youthful. A new pair of shoes doesn’t just add pop to your wardrobe, they can add years to your life. Enhancing the way you walk, the way your bones feel, how your muscles work. These shoes help to release tension you didn’t know you were carrying.

Shoes like this, you need to pay real money for. When you consistently buy cheapo shoes or the less expensive ones and you love them, and they do the job ok, but after a short time your body begins to ache, and the colour starts to fade faster, they start wearing out and they wear you out in the process. Until you step into a new pair of quality shoes, with proper support, and shoes that just know how to give you all that you’re supposed to have in order to walk this Earth in the best possible way, you sort of never really appreciate what this kind of purchase and investment can provide.

I have small feet, so I’m always shopping for Kids shoes, and it’s great because I love getting fun floral, pink patterned, sparkly shoes and kids shoes are great! Less expensive too. I think it’s sort of fun being able to wear kids shoes, but, they’re never what I really need out of a shoe. I’m settling and not making the investment on myself to go for the really good ones, the ones I know that I should be wearing, that are really meant for my feet, that will support me in all the ways I need in order to get the maximum out of every single step that I take.

When my old pair of shoes wear out and I just can’t suck any more wear out of them, I have a little bit of sadness. I think about all the places I went with them and the places they took me, the journey that those steps in those shoes created. And even though they’re just shoes, it’s the same kind of thing we feel I think with a favourite sweater, or a shirt or a piece of jewelry, or a hat. Comfort, memory, sameness. I think shoes are a lot different than putting on a favourite cozy hoodie though.

Shoes impact and influence your soul energy. The way we walk and present ourselves is so largely influenced by how our body, muscles and bones work and feel. A good pair of shoes can help to relieve so many physical ailments which can then directly impact our mental ones. A new pair of shoes, just like a new set of thoughts, can change our entire mental game. That’s why, stepping into a new pair of shoes can feel like, your life has just changed. “My hips feel less tight. I’m standing up straighter. My knees don’t ache as much now when I walk for long periods. My existence has improved”. Just from two pieces of footwear. You never really think about the impact that this has until you’ve been aching for a long time, feeling misaligned, choosing the wrong pair, after the wrong pair, body getting more and more tired, needing to work harder and harder to work optimally. And then Boom, one single step in a new pair of shoes and the life you were living before, is in the past. You’re like a new person. A different feeling, moving, breathing person.

Someone I love just got a new pair of shoes recently and this is what has inspired this post today. And I know there are people reading this right now who are thinking, “What’s on my feet?”. I never realized the importance of investing and paying more money for shoes until I did it. Took a leap. Saw and felt what life could be like in one of “those” pairs of shoes. And paying for a new pair like that, you also sort of know that they’re going to be with you for a long time. Even on the days where you wear your other shoes, and these new ones stay in the closet, they’re still there waiting for you to step right back into them and feel that difference. Feel the way life is different when you walk in them.

New shoes even bring you closer to where you’re supposed to go. Because your energy is different in these shoes, it’s more revved up, vitalized on a whole new level, fresh and buzzing, and with that energy you have much better direction. All because of shoes. A much better understanding of where you’re supposed to go, because you’ve got the right support. Your bones, muscles, mind, blood flow, aura, it’s all in a better place because of these shoes, and so naturally, these shoes just compliment your understanding of your existence better and how you’re supposed to be living, purely by giving you what you didn’t realize you needed to live better.

Things get clearer when you wear the right shoes. Clarity on how life is supposed to feel. It takes time to find that right pair though. And lately when I find the good ones that might be a bit pricier, I buy two of the same. Spend that money. Go big on this, keep investing in the exact same pair. Keep it consistent, and simple. Don’t look anywhere else, because these shoes know what you need and they’ll keep giving it and giving it and giving it. Having lots of different pairs of shoes that feel different on your feet and make you walk differently, feel differently, these misalignments add up. The tensions build, muscles get used to working inefficiently and things start to wear and break down.

I end up buying new shoes (but not the RIGHT ones) every year or six months. I walk A LOT. Walking is my life. I take so many steps and the shoes I’m in, I just know aren’t serving me in the ways that my body needs. So, that’s it. No more. I am frugal and don’t spend money on “things” very often. You can’t be frugal with shoes. These are not “things”. And you can’t be frugal with your heart either. Investing in that good pair of shoes, buying two or three of the same ones, is going to guarantee that you’re walking with the right stuff happening. Just like investing in a person. It’s risky at first because you don’t know how far this pair will be able to take you. If it’s the perfect pair, invest, invest, invest, buy nine pairs of the exact same one so you never have to take one step on this Earth without them on your feet. But how do you know if they are the perfect pair? Just try them on.

But like all things in life, shoes do wear out. But if you can afford it, financially and emotionally to keep making the investment and sticking with the same pair, the one that keeps you aligned, relaxed in your bones, joyful in your thoughts, fired up in your vibrations, then it’s worth spending that money and spending the emotions, creating a savings account JUST for these shoes, so you know when they get a little worn down, you’ve got the juice in the tank, saved up to get more of that same shoe in a fresher way.

That same pair can be with you forever. Sure, there’s lots of amazing feeling shoes out there, that are going to strike up good feelings all over your body. Comfort is found in many ways and even the less expensive pairs of shoes can give comfort, and having many different pairs of very expensive comfortable shoes can be nice too. But, in my opinion, there will always be that one pair. That one pair out of all the other expensive and supportive ones, that you’ll still want to choose because there’s just something different that when you wear them, you are the most authentic you, and you feel safest in this pair over all the others. You trust this pair. The others are worth the investment too. But this pair just fits, not physically with it just being the right size and shape, but, this pair fits because you’re a better person wearing these ones.

Settle for thrift store T-shirts. Dollar store socks and pants. But shoes, if you can and have the means, don’t mess around with this. What goes on your feet, the shoes that you decide to step into, directly influence your energy, thoughts and decisions. Find that amazing pair that you can’t live without. And never stop wearing them. Let them guide you to the places you’re supposed to go. Let these shoes into your life, they’re sitting on the shelf just waiting for you to come get them. And once you have them, throw out all the old shoes that are widening the cracks on your heart and your soul, they aren’t serving you. You deserve to float through life with happy feet.

Clearing away the shoes you’ve worn out, the ones that don’t give to you anymore in the ways that you’re supposed to receive for proper alignment, throwing out that pile of different shoes you’re holding onto because they’re still a bit comfy and you wore them for so long, here and there, and they are still pretty cute and they still “work”, and they’re convenient and easy, is only wearing you down. Level up and toss those suckers. Keep investing in the good pair. Over and over and over.

They say “eyes are the window to the soul”. With that in mind, I think that “shoes are a bridge to another life”. Trying them on, taking a few new steps, walking differently, you’ll be amazed at the bridges that start to emerge where they never were before. Helping you to overcome and walk above the dirty waters, getting over the influences, instead of staying under them. Deciding to wear these shoes is all within your power. Just the act of picking them up off the shelf, choosing this pair, will start the bridge construction process. Continuing to walk in them day after day, will get you closer to that really big bridge that you need to walk across that you have been avoiding. The one that has alligators living below it. You know these shoes can get you over that bridge. You’ve invested, you took that leap, they’re on your feet. Start walking and don’t look back.

This amazing pair of shoes, they aren’t another person, or a thing, or an event. This perfect pair of shoes, the ones that are meant for your feet that keep you walking in a straight line when you’re almost on the verge of diversion, this perfect pair of shoes that still stays clean when you’re swamp walking, this perfect pair of shoes that you spent all your savings on because of the value they bring, this perfect pair of shoes that know how to restore your physical, mental and spiritual self, this perfect pair of shoes…is you.

Happy Ambulation Everyone.

Mr. J

~ Emma ~ 1 Comment

Today I had the pleasure of having a great conversation with a lovely man. I’ll call him Mr. J. We live in the same apartment building and our paths crossed in the lobby as I was going out and he was coming in and, after three minutes of “lobby talk” we decided to go sit outside and chat some more. We sat in the cold next to the fake plants near the entrance of the building talking about “stuff” and watching people come and go.

He was telling me about his chronic health condition and I had some interesting and helpful ideas I thought he could try. He’s a very nice man, we’ve had several brief chit chat sessions before, but this talk was the longest one yet. His appointment with his Dr. is coming up soon and the last time I bumped into him before Christmas, afterwards I had made a mental note to follow up with him about the Oximeter device I suggested he get to monitor his blood oxygen level. He appreciated the suggestion and also found it pretty amusing that his Dr. had never mentioned anything like this to him.

Mr J. is a confident, talkative, kind, engaging and energetic 73 year old Austrian gentleman with thick skin and a very soft, sweet heart and an infectious smile. As we sat on the little ledge there together, he told me about his past as a child growing up quite poor looking after his younger brother while his Mother worked to provide for them. He told me about the holes in the soles of his shoes and how he tried to hide them using tape when he went to school. And he talked about a few of the sufferings he’s experienced in his life and he gave me his opinion on Dr.’s and healthcare, an opinion in which I shared.

The attitude he chooses to embrace his story is what really gets me flying. Attitude is everything someone once told me, and I’ve carried that simple phrase with me my entire life.

The ideas I had about the changes he could make to his lifestyle in order to reduce his symptoms and the level of suffering he experiences, had him quite curious and intrigued. He was pretty locked in to what I was saying, I wanted to see how far I could go and how much he would absorb. If it wasn’t for the light changing from day to night, we would have continued talking there in the cold for hours I imagine.

He began to tell me that the changes he would need to make in order to feel better would bring much suffering to his life. “I’ll have to give up this and that, and it won’t be the same as this or that, and I’m 73! I’m already set in my ways and making changes like this will be so hard and require a lot of willpower and discipline, I just don’t think I have it in me”. I appreciated his brutal honesty. I told him that I really understood, change is hard, uncomfortable, it’s definitely not cozy and it sounded like he was content on living with his symptoms. Habits are hard to change at any age and I told him that if he looked more intimately at the relationship he has with himself, that it would help to change the relationship he has with his specific problem and that choosing something different and new takes great courage, and that courage is already alive and well inside him.

Then I asked him if the level or degree of suffering from making the changes I was talking about, would be higher or lower, more intense or just so so compared to the suffering he has already gone through in his life. I tried to drill into his mind that I was trying to help remove some of his suffering and not cause more of it, and that sacrificing things comes with the territory on the road to suffering less. He didn’t speak for a moment after that, and he looked straight at me and I could tell he was deep in thought about this. He replied that this change would not be as intense or as difficult as those other sufferings he’s lived through. He had a smirk on his face now as he was looking at me. I think he figured out I really knew what I was talking about and, I kept smiling, as I do.

Emotional attunement and co-regulation is highly underrated and vastly difficult to come across these days. And I found some of this today with Mr. J. Our energies had the same colour and vibration, and my intuition told me to hang on and spend a little more time with him. He was giving to me, just as much as I was giving to him, and it was such a pleasant dance.

He wasn’t interested in scampering off either. He did have an agenda, as did I. Yet we made a choice to take this time to sit here speaking our truth, holding space for one other and letting it flow in simple, honest harmony. I don’t have chats like this enough. It’s chats like this, listening, agreeing, disagreeing, empathizing, using genuine empathetic mirroring, inquiring, complimenting and simply appreciating and admiring one another for being so authentic and true, that really remind you what “connecting” is supposed to feel like.

An unexpected, thirty minute, conversational delight that propelled me forward for the rest of my afternoon. When you spend a lot of time alone inside a solitude of sorts, protecting your peace and energy, and then have an encounter like this, it’s like…diving into a refreshingly cool, crystal clear, completely deserted turquoise body of water, after a long, silent stint in a scorching hot, dry and empty desert. I don’t mean to make solitude sound so uncomfortable, it’s actually one of my most comfortable places.

Thank you Mr. J, and Thank YOU for reading!