Missing them only means you are human. That the connection mattered and was important. Missing them doesn’t mean you are meant for each other, or it’s destiny or that it’s important to forget the incompatibilities because the good stuff was so good. Missing them means you lived, and gave your heart and now you are changed. Maybe you’re changed forever because of them. You aren’t changed for the worse because they are gone, but you are changed for the better because they were there. Not everyone on this earth is lucky enough to have experienced that one soul who, at the right time shows up and reaches inside you and ignites something unexpected, special and sort of life changing and maybe saw something in you that no one else ever had.
Even if you’d done a lot of healing up until when they arrived and you understood your patterns, your nervous system and you were more aligned with your true authentic self, if that person got a seat in your car, your partially healed car, your solitary car that generally remains empty without any passengers, that person, was definitely meant to sit beside you. And when they left the vehicle, they’re actually still sort of there, maybe just now in the backseat…or the trunk, or hanging out on the roof.
I don’t think there’s an amount of time, analysis, processing, understanding, reminiscing, questioning, trying not to miss, or rationalizing that will take them away from that nice place inside of you that is and forever will be, grateful for what they gave. Even when you know that you are better off without them and that you can’t have them in your life, that they are not meant to stay, it somehow doesn’t make it easier knowing that, especially if there wasn’t anything really awful, or the ending wasn’t terrible enough to have you feeling really relieved. That’s maybe even harder, when it’s just a slow fade, a distance created unintentionally, (or maybe intentionally), just two people moving in certain directions whose lives, needs, interests just no longer jive.
I think that some people are directed onto our path to teach us necessary lessons and to bring out pieces and parts of us that had been dormant prior to their arrival. And the length of time they are to stay with us, a specific calculation not to go unnoticed or ignored. But to examine in that very exact time frame what was gleaned, about yourself, about them, about the connection…and about life.
What was awakened as a result of their presence could have only come from them and no one else. The wisdom acquired from having them in your life, a necessary and difficult teaching. It’s cosmically surreal and amazing if you think about it really intimately. Who you were in those moments with them maybe you won’t be with anyone else or maybe you will but a slightly different and better version. It’s beautiful the way the Universe can send us the people who are meant to help us understand and learn the things we are supposed to and then take them away to teach us that important life skill of knowing when to let go and to give us the clarity that their absence brings.
And maybe out of the two of you, there was one who felt it harder, who maybe this relationship meant more and they cared harder, let their walls down faster and easier and just made the decision to fly and feel it all and to let what needed to come out during that time, just explode and flow freely. And maybe that’s where the misstep was. Or maybe you both were just on completely different pages of the same book and never really reading things the same way the entire time. Whatever it was or wasn’t, when you stop forcing, everything that is meant for you starts flowing effortlessly. Having their arrival and departure both feel unforced, is a strong and natural indication that the both of you still are, on the right path. Missing someone isn’t a message or sign that you’re not healing, it’s just a natural part of letting go.
I’m forever thankful for you. I’ll never forget and I’ll always be sending positive energy your way. Thank you for seeing me and for caring. My heart carries your warmth and I hope yours carries mine too.
The sound of sirens silences. You never heard them, they were so loud. The lights flashing, colours blazing, screaming. The decibels at the highest pitch, you didn’t flinch.
The heart that stole you, the breath that saved you. Gone in an instant, the injuries and impact, not minor. Little bumps, little bumps, little bumps. A tearful scene inside the mind, smoother now, without alert.
Standing by and watching the chaos, feeling the weight. Waiting for something, anything to lift the suspicion. She saw all along, but stayed because she is pure, she is love. But the sirens are silenced now, no more dilation of sight.
You took nine wrong steps, she led you back and you let her slip. She knows who you are more than you do. She wanted to love you, she let herself go somewhere for you. She will not look back, she will never come back.
The risks, the time, the lies, the loneliness is no more. The significance of her, of you, of it all, holds now a secret, a lesson. School was in but now it’s out, the path is very changed. Chalkboard statements erased.
The planets designed this, they directed the show. The actors and their parts following script, line by line. Memorizing became easy, learning became the challenge. Soaking wet scenes full of spark and defence, trying to calm a drowning tiger.
She lights a candle for you everyday, as you do too. The beauty in the growth, the transition, the purpose and the alarm. Never ever will forget, never will the tide stop moving. Washing away, washing away, washing away the clutch, the cling, the sting.
Who are they now? Who are they really? Two souls of wonderful light, they gave to one another amidst a storm. The sound of sirens are silenced. She heard loud and clear. There is no more mystery. The diamond, is stronger than ever.
“I realized for the first time in my life: there is nothing but mystery in the world, how it hides behind the fabric of our poor, browbeat days, shining brightly, and we don’t even know it.” – Sue Monk Kidd
You know those days where you finally stumble upon some answers? Not a lot, but just enough to make you go, “ahhhh, and there it is.” Answers to questions you have been searching and hoping for a little too tirelessly for a while now. The days where all of a sudden it clicks. I have had days lately where a lot of things were not making sense. Pondering over meanings of certain events, actions, people, interpreting certain signs, (maybe misinterpreting them?)
I love signs. And over the course of two days the Universe was screaming at me. Sign after sign after sign. The frequency was wild, I almost lost my hearing. I even had a moment where I said out loud to myself, with a chuckle and a smile, “Ok! Ok, ok, ok, I got it, I hear you, thanks guys!”
There is so much mystery around us, but inside it there always sits a plan that I think we should find comfort in trusting, even when it is far from obvious. The signs are there because there is a bigger plan. An important purpose for the confusion. A reason for the unreasonable. A method to the madness. Like that Polonius guy said in Hamlet, “Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.” That has to be one of the best lines (maybe a close second to this one: “What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn’t one today!”).
There is a lesson in the agony of the unknown and incomprehensible. When we seek answers in places that used to be reliable and dependable sources of wisdom, which now seem to be failing us, and when we look to familiar voices or thoughts in an effort to gain insight and for some reason that wisdom just isn’t following, I think there is a lot to learn from this. There is friction now in that search to solve the mystery for a reason. Looking for a sense of sureness that isn’t supposed to be there yet. “Be still and know.” Glennon Doyle says, “StopMovingStopTalkingStopSearchingStopPanickingStopFlailing. If you just stop doing, you’ll start knowing.”
It’s good to talk things out, find different ways to make sense of something. It’s great to ask others and get opinions and to analyze scenarios and outcomes. But sometimes in doing that, we can lose sight, get lost and be taken away from the very brutal fact that mystery will always be there in varying degrees and solving one mystery just frees up space for more. And when you invite someone else in to help solve the mystery, search the internet, or read books by experts, in my experience recently, it makes the mystery into something bigger than it needs to be and it turns mystery into a quest.
Don’t go searching. When there’s a jolt of mystery in my life and I want it to dissolve to reveal what’s under the surface, my new stance and developed sense tells me to allow it and don’t seek to dissolve it. It has evolved and gotten stronger and more complex for a reason. Like a huge wave building. You’re sitting on your surf board watching this behemoth arrive, bigger and bigger, growing and growing, showing you it’s face, prepping you to start paddling, the anticipation increasing to next level fear, and you’re watching very carefully the timing of each inch of growth of this wave.
Watching the mystery grow. Something about that makes me feel thrilled but also uneasy. Letting it build without resistance. Getting excited for its peak when you know that once that wave gets closer and you get to stand up, ride it, feel the height of where it’s taking you, the sprays of water pelting on your face, the motions you need to adapt to, forcing your muscles to do their thing, just the two of you, the wave and you, dancing in that domination and submissive tango, that incredible speed at which the wave is now, in many ways, directing your destiny.
Surfing is a wonderful feeling. Riding waves is an experience worth having. If you have ever surfed a decent sized wave, you know what I am talking about. Just watching surfers as they descend down the pipe can take you to similar places just from standing on the shore. Watching what happens to both surfer and wave as they connect. It’s beautiful.
Riding that wave of mystery however big it is and for however long it lasts, you do eventually reach the shore and the mystery somehow does completely dissolve as if it never existed in the first place. Solving the mystery only comes from our own action or inaction, our choices and our own “knowing” deep inside ourselves, as well as, and maybe most importantly, trusting in something bigger.
I love that waves are never exactly the same and one moment they are enormous and then the next, they don’t exist. Getting to see one, ride one, enjoy one, feel exhilarated as a result of one and then all of a sudden poof it’s gone, like you never touched it and it never touched you, but the memory of those few seconds did something miraculous. The mystery was very alive and then it vanished because of what you did or did not do, what you thought, believed and what you trusted within yourself.
What I loved about surfing too was that you knew that as you were paddling out, the next wave and that next ride, wasn’t going to be the same as the last one. That darn addicting mystery. How is this wave going to feel, am I going to feel less or more of what I just felt? I could sit all day on my board just out there watching the waves, listening, feeling, legs dangling in the water, board in between my legs just letting the waves pass and pass without riding any of them. Sitting there watching everyone else ride and have the time of their lives. There was always something peaceful about doing that. Sitting and waiting. Watching. Just breathing slowly and calmly with the ocean, me and my board, taking my time and not rushing into every wave that came at me. Making calculations. Evaluating the mystery in each kind of wave in an effort to understand how they function, build, swell, barrel, their shoulders, where their rip current is, the closeouts.
What each wave gives you is never exactly the same. So, appreciating the novelty and uniqueness of each one and how similar yet very different they can be in the way they make you feel when riding them, is I think a big part of the thrill of doing it and participating in the mystery of the ocean. The variety of feels and how each wave moves even though they are of the same force, same element, and once you’re up on that board it’s you and only you, who get to choose how you ride it.
I think we are drawn to mysterious and unpredictable things and situations sometimes. Good and not so good things happen as a result of that. Maybe there’s two or three types of people in this regard. Ones that need to know, plan, foresee and stay comfortable in the familiar and routine and predictable. Then there are the ones that enjoy the not knowing, wondering, the fact that nothing about what they are doing or where they’re going can be controlled and they’re not interested in controlling it, outcomes are not easily foreseen, and they have absolutely no idea what is coming next nor feel the desire to plan ahead for it. The third kind being someone who sits happily in between both of these. I think that’s where I might sit, fluctuating between the two in an effort to find balance.
Not having any direction or understanding where it is that you are going, on occasion, is actually in a way having some direction don’t you think? Does that make sense? Maybe not. “I have direction. My direction is a mystery.”
“Having direction” is a saying that perplexes me a bit. Can we actually have this? “I have good direction” she said. What does she mean by this? That there is less mystery in her life? She’s actively controlling and trying to minimize mystery? She’s focused on staying on a certain path only? Is someone guiding her telling her which way to go?
The Dictionary defines mystery as “something that is difficult or impossible to understand or explain.” She probably means that she understands where she wants to go and how to get there and why. But you can have a great sense of direction but also be flooded with things that are difficult or impossible to understand or explain.
You know how to surf, how to paddle out, time it perfectly, when to pop up, how to guide the board and bend your knees and how to do this dance, but, what that wave is going to do once you’re actually riding it…total mystery! Why is that so appealing? Maybe because it encourages rapid fire adapting to the conditions just like any fast-moving sport, and we want to feel like we’re killin’ it? I’m going to fire myself out there and ride that sucker and hope for the best. What is hoping for the best? The best feeling, the richest dopamine and adrenaline rush, the smoothest, most perfect ride? Hoping I don’t fall on my face? What the “best” is, obviously is individual. For me, the best outcome of surfing a wave is that there is no best outcome. The art of doing it, is the best outcome. If I bail, amazing. If I rip it, amazing. If I sit there and watch it and don’t do a damn thing, amazing.
Surrendering to the “not knowing” and what the exact outcome will be once you’re out there, alone in the ocean, no one but you, board, water, current, weather and energy, is uncertain. But in fourteen seconds I am going to know, if I decide to. Learning to surf and honing this skill, understanding waves and the ocean, is an education so much more than learning just a sport and a lifestyle. It’s really fun and exciting and requires a lot of strength and stamina, but what it does to your mind and spirit, I’m not sure many other sports on Earth do the same thing.
Waves usually have a good goal, to bring you to shore. To take you in the direction you are looking towards. There’s no mystery there. I think that, until we decide to paddle out towards them without fear, welcoming them and what is to be found there, we lose out on the gifts that surrendering affords us. The waves and the mystery of them, are the answers themselves.
When we accept, trust, love and welcome the unknown into our lives we are paddling harder towards a bigger truth and following a more vibrant path. The wave that seems way too big to even paddle for, isn’t. It’s been created just for you. The size is just right. The speed is perfect. The amount of mystery it’s holding is the correct amount. Trust it. And trust that you can ride this wave and you can rip down that pipe and still come out alive (and then get completely addicted to that feeling and never stop doing it).
I used to be a wave addict. Even watching them would get me high. But really surfing one, that rush, what a mysterious feeling, I’ve never been able to replicate that. There is an energy between you and the ocean that you just cannot get anywhere else.
Every mysterious event, coincidental occurrence and unexplainable situation is, I believe, a message. Some stronger than others. Waving at that message and excitedly paddling towards it, watch what happens. You can always stop paddling once you get closer to it, re evaluate, sit, wait, let this wave roll under you, then as the next one appears make a new call. But always keep paddling in that direction signaling to the ocean that you’re on board, literally. Expressing the cohesion.
Each wave will take you on a great ride. There will be more clarity in front of you because you paddled out. Things will make more sense. You are on top of the mystery, guiding it as it is guiding you. Both going to the same place. The mystery wants you to give it all you got in all forms of belief and trust. It is not your foe but a friend sent to help guide you. And you are allowed to take comfort in knowing that no matter how big and intimidating it is right now, it won’t be this big forever.
When we allow the Universe to take care of us, it gives us leverage to create something wonderful. Trusting in signs, messages and in the confusions, can take you from feeling directionless and throw you smack dab into a place where meaning and importance for what you are here to do and be, is more obvious. Trust is so powerful. Belief and optimism are like elixirs that if you consistently drink them, they keep you hydrated in the most valuable ways.
Whatever you’re thinking right now reading this, it’s valid and there’s truth to it. This post today is your sign. Go with it!
When we fully let go, breathe and let the wave of mystery penetrate our vibrational forces, befriending it, we can find more beauty and more significance in the life we are trying our best to live. We begin to connect more deeply to a higher purpose.
Emma Wisdom 