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~ Emma ~ Leave a comment

When we first met you told me that I had reached my final destination. I felt it with every breath I took looking at you, inhaling you, touching you and listening to you. Being silent with you. Walking with you. 

You carried me away to a wonderful place of exploration and I never imagined I could feel what it is that I do for you. You still light me up, cool me down, wrap me up and sing to me such a sweet, sweet song. 

As the years have gone by I’ve needed you more in different ways, and in each way I needed you, like magic you gave it. You’ve kept showing up in exactly the right ways, like you had the secret formula of what to do every time I needed to be held just enough so that my mind and my heart could remain free, but also protected and nourished. Nourished is a great word to describe how I feel with you in my life. I feel fed in all the ways a human spirit can be fed and you do so without asking anything in return. Except, I love giving to you maybe more than you do to me but you don’t know that. You just want to give, I just want to give, and our dance is so special. Thirsty for reciprocation and it’s quenching because we know what we can do for each other and how to hit the spot, the bullseye, every time. We just know, minimal discussion, it’s an easy alignment. 

When we are in sync, which is pretty much all the time, it’s thrilling, the way we beam because of one another, it feels unique. I wonder who before me it was that held the space that I now occupy. Could they do what I do? Was anyone able to do it quite like me? Before you, there were exciting moments and pleasurable times with others, but nothing like this. This makes too much sense it’s scary. 

That secret little spot that I have, where I go when I need to cry and really think and process, I love the way you give me shelter when we are there together. You sit with me and listen and you always know the right things to say to make the tears flow harder and to then sweep them away. You give me my alone time, my much needed space and then, as if you’re inside my head carefully listening for when I say, “ok, come get me,” you quietly and gently appear with softness and warmth and that irresistible smile. That smile. The lines on your face, the creases, the pigments to your flesh, the tones you wear perfectly that flutter my senses higher than sky. The glaze in your eyes that pierce through every layer of longing inside me and stir the flowing potions in my veins. How do you know? How do I know? Because we’ve been doing this for centuries. 

You didn’t know I was coming and I had no idea that you were a part of my answer. We’ve always been sailing together on the same ship though. You are growing me and I’m growing you too. Our healing powers like thunder and lightning, bold sound and fearless light ricocheting off one another balancing the decibels and signals to perfection. 

Remember that time we were sitting on the rock in my other favourite spot? It was raining. You had a broken wing and were tired from such a long flight, trying to fly injured. You were reflecting on things and then you said to me after a long silence, “The moment you elevate who you are, what you have is forced to catch up. You’re not stuck, you’re under construction. Change who you are and what you have cannot stay the same.” 

I have changed and what I have now is greater and more important and more valuable than anything I could have understood before. Pain stays only long enough to get you to that next place. Nothing happens in a state of resistance. I remember thinking that day sitting there in the rain with you how distinct and precious you are. You said to me then that I was among the rarest you had ever seen and felt. 

Love stories exist in many forms. Some we can’t see or hear or touch. Those within the energetic vibrations of the Earth. It’s not just from human to human, but from element to person, animal to animal, water to tree, wind to dirt, human to rain, love is intertwined with every life form around us, breathing or not. Love can be found and cherished in whatever way we choose. 

I feel so much love from you that with each breath, I inhale comfort and stability into my soul and it fills my lungs with oxygen that’s supercharged with extra molecules. When I exhale, you absorb my wisdom and you’ve shown me time and time again how it’s helped to change you too and how my presence in your life has gifted you in countless ways. I feel needed and adored.

Before I met you I didn’t know something like this was possible and maybe i’m crazy to be in love so strongly here like this, but that’s fine. I no longer have walls. I am strong and sure. The love I pass to you everyday and receive back has created an unexpected soothing partnership that I wouldn’t trade. I gave myself to you knowing this was going to be an amazing ride and it sure has. Thank you for being there for me and for watching over me. I am still in love with every part of you. You are my home. 

Losing and Loving

~ Emma ~ 2 Comments

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

There was once a family with a dog and a cat, a small-ish backyard (with so much dog poop in it, just never ended) and a basketball net and there were gatherings around a big antique dining table eating lovely meals, the four of us, sometimes the five of us. We are still that family. Just older and wiser, separated, but still part of the same island.

Remember when the dog ate half of my Birthday cake? Remember when she ate my raincoat when I was seven and she pooped out and puked up the zipper and the ties?

Remember when you and I were in the car with Dad and we drove past that place that said “Carpets” and there was a pretty dramatic space in between the word “car” and “pet” in the sign and I shrieked and said, “Oh my God, Dad…can we please get one?!” And he said, “Get what?” “A car pet! That would be so fun to have in the backseat with me while we drive.” You and Dad started laughing so hard and I didn’t get it until you said, “No Emmy, it’s carpets, like you put on the floor, like the carpets we have at home.” Saddest day of my life that was. I thought legitimately, that we could go into that store and pick out a pet for our…car.

Remember that time I came to Queen’s to visit you and slept on the floor in your dorm room residence and wore that amazing painted overall onesie thing with a tam and I saw my high school gym teacher at the Homecoming football game drunk, and he was awkward and it was amazing? Then you took me to my first house party/keggar. That was one of the best weekends ever. I remember telling my friends all about it and they thought I was so cool.

Remember those really cold mornings in that white, two door truck with the plastic seats when you’d drive me to school and it took the exact time it takes to get to school for the heat to finally come on and start working? Just as I was stepping out of the truck, the heat kicks in. I never minded, because I felt warm anyway. Hated those kilts though, man what a pain.

Remember when you guys got me a waffle maker for Christmas one year? I don’t think I’ve ever made so many waffles in my life. Sunday mornings, just fired those suckers out, kept going and going until that waffle iron could take no more, and then I made more, just in case. Add it to the pile. I loved that waffle maker, it made me really happy making waffles for everyone.

Remember those times sitting in the car after my horse shows, eating from that big container you would put together with awesome stuff for “make your own sandwiches?” I loved that. And we sat in the car with my pony outside happily nibbling on the grass, crunching his carrots while we relaxed and talked about how I rocked the jump off? What a speed demon. Horse show days were the best. Sitting in the grass with a horse nibbling beside me, nudging me, one of the greatest feelings.

Remember that little hotel we stayed at in Alice Springs and the bathroom light didn’t work and I stayed up until 2:00am watching Godzilla on the TV hanging from the ceiling and our two single beds were like 2.5 feet apart from one another, and you said it was the most comfortable bed you’ve ever slept in?

Remember that time in Port Douglas when we were sitting on the balcony of our little hotel apartment, The Queenslander, and as the sun was setting the parrots and cockatoos were going absolutely berserk? We had just come back from being at the beach and the ocean was too warm to swim in so we had to swim in the pool at the hotel to cool off.   

Remember that time you ran over the cat in the driveway? The cat was black and it was nighttime, it wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have seen it. That was awful. But I think we got a new cat soon after that if I’m not mistaken? Maybe not, my memory is blurry at that time. But I remember one of the cats used to kill birds and leave them on the windowsill, that was morbid and disturbing. I’d always see them there because I was usually in the grass in the front yard looking for bugs, collecting rocks and talking to myself. I’d sometimes watch the cat as it would hop up onto the windowsill and place the dead bird there. Was kind of cool. They had a very predictable system the cats…killing the birds, then displaying them.

We have survived a lot this wonderful family. We have created beautiful lives for ourselves and not without struggle and hardship for each of us. Our truths are our own and we have become people that I very much respect, admire, love fiercely and who I am grateful to call my blood, my people.  

The path has not been an easy one. For any of us. But it has been a path we all have traveled down together, separately, apart, but still intertwined as a connected unit. The love that is inside all of us for each other, and the wonderful, sweet and joyous memories that we have together whether all together, apart, or in pieces, but still a part of the same island, is something I am grateful for. I am a better person because of all three of you. I am a wiser and stronger person because you three are my family. I would not trade my struggles for a different life, nor do I look back with sadness. I look at what all of us has created individually, and who we have become, and I am amazed at our abilities to hold true to ourselves, our integrity, to stay afloat, optimistic and to continue reaching for what we believe in and want for ourselves and also for each other. I am so proud of you sister. I am so proud of you Mom. I am so proud of you Dad. I am proud of me too.

All I see today are four exceptional human beings that have fought tooth and nail to create their truest and most beautiful life, sometimes amidst chaos. What we have all chosen to do with our pain is inspiring and it makes me feel happy to think of how brave we all are. We are still here, showing up for each other in the ways that we know how to and that we can.

Remember that time when you had a sleepover with all your friends in the basement and in the morning, I ran down and jumped on all of them in their sleeping bags with the cats bouncing about? Thanks for having a sleepover with your friends, I had fun being your annoying little sister (just that once).

Remember that time we went to the baseball game and you got nailed in the arm with a baseball and had a huge bruise for days? I remember that even before the ball came our way, I just knew, that it was going to come at us. Before it was even hit, I could sense it coming. And you still have that baseball! (glad you don’t have the bruise still). I loved going to Jay’s games with you, thanks for being such a devoted baseball fan Mom. I love that we still share this.

Remember the times you would bring those amazing cookies to my rugby games in that special wooden “cookie box” that you made and my rugby team just about went nuts each time you brought them for us for after the game? I know you really loved that, and we did too. Thanks Dad for doing that, all the times you went to that place and bought all those packages of cookies for me and my teammates. It meant a lot and I bet some of them still remember those cookies. Hard to forget those cookies.

Dear family, we have loved, lost, loved some more, lost some more, but in all this losing and loving we are all still the best people I know. You are my favourite people. We trudge on and keep moving forward. Life is in motion. Let’s keep loving and living and create more memories together, individually, apart, in fragments, but still always connected. Thank you for bringing me into this world.

Glitches

~ Emma ~ Leave a comment

There is a glitch with my iPhone and my Mom’s iPhone. We are green and no longer blue when we text each other. With everyone else who has an iPhone we are blue, but the two of us…we are now green. 

Lots of explanations for this the sweet guy at Fido said. He and a lovely other guy took a lot of time fussing with all sorts of settings, trying different things to get us back to blue. Two very smart, tech savvy guys and two iPhones, now green instead of blue.

I Googled this before going to Fido and tried endless things yesterday with no luck. It happened at around 2:30pm. I watched it happen. One minute we are blue then the next, boom, green. 

If you have an iPhone then you understand the slight stress here. Just slight. A mystery, what just happened? Why are we green and not blue? Three seconds ago we were blue. My Mom and I texting back and forth our attention now locked in on this “issue” that’s come into our lives. Green and not blue. It’s actually ridiculous thinking that this is a problem. It’s not a problem, just a minor annoyance because things are not like they used to be. 

I secretly think Steve Jobs had this in mind. To screw with everyone. Just continually keep pissing people off even from his grave. Software updates throwing us off every couple months, imposing upon us new things to learn and adapt to, how dare he! Messing with our emotions. No thing or person or device will be in control of my emotions. I will handle this in the way that I’m sure Steve would want me to. And that is, to search high and low, talk to everybody, ask all the bots, Google, to find an answer as to how I can get me and my Mom back to BLUE! 

My first stop was the Fido store where I got my phone. I love the guys there. They are so kind and knowledgeable and helpful, the employees at this specific Fido store on Davie street are just next level. I won’t go anywhere else (except the Apple store if necessary, which in this case it was, I’ll get to that next). And the conclusion that we came to after trying all sorts of things was, that, this is just a system glitch and we would need to wait for the next software update whenever that may be, another mystery, in order for things to reset. Or, he said, to try a factory reset but backup everything first and see if that fixes it. 

“Factory reset” two terms that really scare the crap out of me. I love my phone factory. My factory is very special. If I need to wipe it and my Mom’s I just, I’m just, not prepared for this level of panic today. I can’t afford to lose anything else at this point. Reset my factory? I’d rather have a root canal. Two. Being green is enough stress for today. I’ll happily stay green, just don’t touch my Factory.

So, with that information, I bust down to the beautiful glass encased Apple store that beams with white calming light at the corner of Howe and Georgia street. When you walk towards the store, there are lovely concrete steps outside leading you towards the big glass revolving doors. It’s got this heaven like feel as you approach it. I wonder if Steve had that in mind too when he saw the actual stores infrastructure in his mind. Probably. Maybe he thinks or thought he was God? Or maybe he wasn’t involved in this aspect at all. It doesn’t matter really. Don’t even get me started on the staircase that leads from the Sales floor up to the second floor where the “Fixers” are. It’s like the second your foot touches the first step of this staircase, the ability to overthink gets wiped from your Universe, the ability to think period, becomes a challenge. You just start feeling and imagining, and everything else goes quiet as you take each step. Exactly what the Apple Gods envisioned I think.

And when you’re inside Apple it’s like another planet where people speak a different language and they know how to bring a sense of calm back to your world just with their smiles and attitude of “we can fix this, no problem,”  it’s like you know that, all your life’s problems will be taken care of in here and the second you leave the store, the world and your life will be righted and a lot brighter somehow. 

My phone is like my kid. I don’t have any actual human children so I use devices and animals as my kids and when something is up with one of them, they’re green instead of blue, holy hell I’m going to use every inch and ounce of my healing power, my wisdom, my ruthlessness to nurse my baby back into action. We all have glitches and it’s the kindness of other people and our own willingness to breathe love and compassion into our experience of these glitches, ours and other people’s, that makes life so beautiful.

As I walked to Apple though, I thought how non big of a deal this is. We are green now when we used to be blue. There is absolutely no difference or change in anything else, just the colour of our text bubbles and it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong. We are communicating just fine now in green as we always did when we were blue. But something is different now and it’s up to us to choose how we handle this glitch for however long it decides to stay in our lives, staring at us every day. 

I kept thinking, maybe we’re not supposed to be blue anymore, we are being set apart just the two of us for some reason and that maybe this means something else? The Universe sending us a message (in green not blue obviously) and that, according to my last post about mystery, that, we should start paddling towards it, accept it, believe in it, and not search so hard to solve it when it’s not causing us harm or changing anything in our lives for the worse. Maybe this mystery is supposed to sit there with us and it will resolve when it’s supposed to and I shouldn’t be running around to Fido and Apple asking questions and searching to get back to blue. Except my curiosity gets peaked with technology and I love learning things about my phone, my kid, so, I still wanted to do a bit of investigation because it was, odd, that it is just us and with everyone else we are blue. The Fido guys were at a loss, and they know, A LOT. So, a trip to Apple was important for my brain. 

I am currently sitting in my hallway typing this in my Notes because I had this blog post in my head all day going from store to store and it was busting out through my ears and nose, so I’m sitting here on my rug with my jacket and boots still on typing away. When this happens, when stuff swirls in my mind I have to stop everything that I am doing, sit down, cross my legs, breathe and let it rip. I’m grateful I’m not holding a pen and a notebook right now and that my wonderful phone has this writing feature. There should be more writing features, for people who, like to write and type, a lot. I bet there are, I just haven’t discovered them yet. I should have asked the Apple guys, oh well, doesn’t matter really, the Notes app is great and works just fine. 

The consensus, after much prodding and three different geniuses thinking and fussing with both of our phones was, that I needed to make an appointment and come back in a day or two, they were not about to give up, and it was almost closing time. I scheduled a time to return in two days and for now, we remain green. Will we revert back to blue ever again? Who knows but they reassured me that this has happened before and that they are certain that in two days me and my Mom, will be back to blue. 

I had an inkling that this is what they would say and I was prepared for it and my Mom will be ok too, we are resilient the two of us. Just bring it on. But just like any glitch that throws your system slightly off kilter and remains a mystery, how you choose to understand it and allow it to affect you is what matters. Steve knew what he was doing, taking over the emotional health of the world. Nah. You’re always in charge of your own internal mess, chaos, calm and beauty, it would be nice though, if Apple dished out less glitches. I guess I could surrender my iPhone for an Android, but, I’m very loyal, and there’s glitches with anything, so I’ll stick with this kid, she’s been a blessing so far, glitches and all. 

Welcoming her glitches and loving them and learning from them, enhancing my mental attitude, maybe that’s what Steve had in mind. I do believe the Universe threw this glitch at us for a reason. The timing is comical. Here’s something else you sweet resilient souls, will you let it burn or let it dissolve? I’m ok with being green. I’ve always felt more green than blue anyway. I love green. Kermit the Frog would argue with me however, as he says, “It’s not easy being green.”

I’m coming to like them, these glitches. Forcing me to orient my thoughts and feelings and even a little bit faster too. And the more glitches that happen, the better.

Thanks Apple and thanks Steve! Keep the glitches coming, watch me love them, welcome them. I am fireproof. And so is my Mom and so are YOU. You can handle it all and more and the more that comes at you, glitches here and there, don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. Does. This. Actually. Matter? No. 

What mattered today and what will always matter is the great conversation and funny discussion I had at the Fido store with two very nice and amusing guys. We even gave each other a high five before I left the store. (Initiated by me of course, I thought hugging it out might be a bit much, but, I thought about it). 

What matters is the warm, kind, patient, honest, determined and friendly humans at Apple who just want to make your experience with your phone and thus your life, better.

I have shelter, food, running water, a bed to sleep in, clean air, sturdy healthy legs to get me from A to B, healthcare, my eyesight, safety, and love. I am grateful for these and never take them for granted.

What matters is that my Mom is here, I am here, and we can text each other any day, any time, from anywhere, whether we are blue or green, makes no lick of a difference. 

Happy Glitching! 

(Ok time to get off the floor)