introvert

Broken Up and Down

~ Emma

Break ups suck. Even when it’s the right thing. “We’re gonna be fine. We have to do it and it’s the right thing to do. And nothing bad happens when you’re doing the right thing.” Ryan Gosling once said. George Clooney followed that line up with, “Is this your personal theory? ‘Cause I can shoot holes in it.”

I am in the process of breaking up with my phone and technology’s influence on my life. Complete overhaul, something I knew I needed to do because well, I want to feel what it’s like to be alone with myself again. Totally alone. And if you know me, you know I prize being alone. But even when I think I’m alone now, I’m not really.

“Our attention is the most valuable thing we have. We experience only what we pay attention to. We remember only what we pay attention to. When we decide what to pay attention to in the moment, we are making a broader decision about how we want to spend our lives…If you wanted to invent a device that could rewire our minds, if you wanted to create a society of people who were perpetually distracted, isolated, and overtired, if you wanted to weaken our memories and damage our capacity for focus and deep thought, if you wanted to reduce empathy, encourage self-absorption, and redraw the lines of social etiquette, you’d likely end up with a smartphone” – Catherine Price, How To Break Up With Your Phone.

Does this not scare you?

In my third year of Sociology, I took a course called, “Technology and Society.” It was one of the scariest academic four and a half months of my degree. And that’s saying something because there were many “scary” moments learning Sociology. But scary in that amazing way. At least, I thought it was amazing.

This was 2007. At the time I was much on the same page with the theme of the course being how technology is ruining people and taking us further away from our natural humanness. Fast forward to 2026. Yeah…like…holy shit.

A lot of attention was paid in that class, showing up for every lecture like it was a lifeline. I knew if I missed out on anything, I’d probably regret it. This one was different than any other course. I was really excited for each following lecture because I sort of felt like someone was telling me something from the future that I needed to keep in my back pocket really securely for the next twenty years, and I guess for the rest of my life. And now this information, there’s just too much of it. My pockets are overflowing. I am, you are, ticking time bombs now. The longer we let devices do what they’re doing, the closer we come to exploding. Oh wait, crap, that’s already happened.

What we know has no impact, gaining insight about this addiction crisis means zippo unless we start doing something about, what we know. And I love the people out there who are doing this. And now I’m one of them.

I sat in the very front row of that class each week. The professor would speak as if he was already in 2026 and he knew the future of my brain, of everyone’s brains. It’s exactly what I’m reading now about the things that phones are doing to us. But reading and hearing about it, is a different story than living it right? We all know we should be spending less time on our devices. But habits are not easy to change, especially this particular one because there’s a zillion people out there employed to make sure, we stay hooked and never break it. My prof described at the time how cell phones and technology eventually would be controlling our lives and how quickly we will lose our sense of relating with each other as we become codependent with technology. What did that even mean? Gotcha. I know now.

I was kind of anti technology at the time. Still am. I didn’t like having a cell phone and it really frustrated people when they couldn’t reach me when I lived abroad (shout out to Hayley and Munky who could never find me at Bondi or Coogee). Everyone had Nokia cell phones texting and arranging where to go and meet and I was always the one who left my cell in my dorm room and continued to use the landline on my desk. I just didn’t want people knowing where I was and I didn’t like texting to make plans. I like talking, with those things we have in our throats, vocal chords. You know those two bands of smooth muscle tissue located in the larynx at the top of the trachea? Ya, those. And I like planning ahead. “Let’s meet here at this time. If something happens and we miss each other, let’s try again another day.” If they showed up at that time and place amazing, they knew if they didn’t, they wouldn’t get another chance to rearrange plans or chat to me that day until I got home. A fun trick to know who actually wants to see your face and who’s just treating you like an option. Some days I was left standing at the beach bus stop alone, only to get back to my dorm room that night to seven missed calls and fourteen texts from Munky being like, “I got caught up painting meet me at Coogee instead!” I headed to Bondi that day and had a blissful afternoon watching the surfers and eating fish and chips solo. At twenty three that behaviour flies, at forty two, see ya.

Building meaningful and strong connections does not happen through a device. I knew that when I was twenty and I know it even more now.

No wonder people feel so starved for depth of connection these days. Sure you could say the opposite, that staying connected through a phone is effort, but the way you use the device is what makes or breaks the connection. I very much believe we are getting further away from actually knowing each other. I don’t care what you say, this stuff on the phone…it’s not connection. It gives us wonderful things to make our lives better, but it’s still establishing an unhealthy addiction. Slowly, or maybe faster than we think, reconfiguring our brains.

I like when people say, “Let’s stay connected.” I’m always like, “Ok, how should we do that? What does connection mean and feel like for you?” They look at me funny like I just asked them if cheetahs are waterproof.

Getting clarity on the definition of connection is important to me, as it’s different for everyone. Mostly because I am completely finished with any kind of connection that isn’t in the realm of, “Who are you…really?” You reach your 40’s and you stop giving fucks about stuff that used to matter so much. I’m after depth and interest and honest, raw communicating, with like open ended questions, lots of them. You want to know someone, open end question the hell out of them. I was after this in my 20’s and 30’s too not just now. I’m still after it today because it’s a secret weapon.

So I’m breaking up with my phone. Breaking this down into a full on, nuanced break up. I wanted to do this when I was 23 and here I am almost 42 doing the same thing. Some things don’t change, some things change a lot. Changing my notifications, alerts, deleting apps, cleaning up screens and pages, no more badges, greyscale mode, Auto Reply text messages alerting that I’m “out of the office and living like it’s 1996” and, before I reach for my phone I will ask myself, what for, why now and what else. What else could I do right now other than check my phone? Why am I picking it up right now? What am I picking it up to do?

I’m ok with change, especially when I know this is going to be a really good thing. Break ups take time, adjusting to new habits and going through withdrawal and riding out the urges, understanding why this is the best thing for me to do for my health while also recognizing that some people won’t understand, agree or want to share in this break up mentality with me. That’s ok, I can’t be anything but me: keep unfollowing the herd, listening to my own beats and walking down a path that’s lonely sometimes, but it’s as Munky might say, “less constrained.”

“Phone. noun: a device that uses either a system of wires along which electrical signals are sent or a system of radio signals to make it possible for you to speak to someone in another place who has a similar device.”

Key word, “speak.”

Life is not meant to be like this and I will resist the way technology is taking over and wrecking our brains and social skills and our ability to pay attention, until I’m wrinkled and grey. It is lonely sometimes, but it is also cleaner, fresher, quieter, simpler and a lot less chaotic.  

We are all addicts now and what the next twenty years are going to look like, I honestly am not super stoked to find out. However, I can feel something brewing that I can’t quite put my finger on just now. And if you’re reading this today, remember I said this and call me up in twenty years on your landline! I wish I could meet my professor for coffee and see where he’s at now with all of this…stuff.

Nothing bad is going to happen. It’s the right thing to do. No holes in this theory. Just do it. Raise your vibration my fellow souls. What one person can do so can another. Will, persistence, focus, motivation, drive, consistency. Then one day magic, you’ve changed a habit and your brain is better for it.

“We must act, individually and collectively, to make our attention our own again, and so reclaim ownership of the very experience of living.” – Tim Wu, The Attention Merchants.

Last thing. I’ve removed the “like” and “comments” feature on my blog because…nope. If you like reading these fantastic, but I don’t need to know anymore. Some things are best left a mystery. There is a better and more meaningful way to let someone know you like something they did. I’ll let you figure that one out on your own.

Two Is Enough

~ Emma ~ 2 Comments

Two is enough for me.
If you gave me three, four, six, seven;
I’d simply say, “Thank you, but one is just heaven.”

I don’t know why I look up to the sky.
Maybe because the answers to questions of low;
Seem to always be found up high or higher so.

Busy, rushing, too many, too much.
Why does this game always feel the same?
Same old numbers adding up to more pain.

It’s why I like less, one and two.
Simpler, calmer, easier, intimate and quiet.
My cat used to say, “Emma you and me, that’s it.”

You see my smile, hear my voice.
But you do not see me or hear me and it is quite alright;
I have gifted myself wisdom to remain not small, but full of height.

The light shines brightly, kindly and with soft intention.
My heart is guided in the utmost strangest way now;
I am sorry for the explanation that I have not to know how.

I will not take up space where someone else should be.
My mind and soul have figured out the equation and it has come, with some hesitation.
But question not my intuition strong, I am lightning and thunder, the rain my slippery sedation.

Not nine or twelve or five. Just one or two.
The world is not what they say.
I look at you looking at me and think, “this is an incredible day.”

The water on petals, the dirt on my boots.
The ducks in twos, the sunshine plus one.
Did you hear that? Silence and so many, but also none.

I can’t believe I am here now. Taken so far and so deep.
You reminded me that there is special in nothing.
Then I fell into a sleep and woke up with a perfect and reliable, trusting of something.

The softness fills me. The colour enchants my eyes.
I cry with gratitude and thanks;
I have won the prize.

Whole

~ Emma ~ 2 Comments

Apparently, the name Emma means “wholeness” or “whole” as well as “universal”. I can’t believe I didn’t know this. It makes a lot of sense to me though on many levels. And then I had this fun thought, imagine if Whole Foods was instead called “Emma Foods”?! I’m convinced there is some sort of cosmic meaning and connection here because Whole Foods is one of my favourite places to go. Especially Whole Foods in Vancouver. I can spend hours here, I’m here right now writing this sitting at the high bar type long table in front of the window. It’s such a great spot to watch people outside and have your back to the rest of the store, so you’re forced to really either focus just on your device, your meal or what’s outside. Most days I like sitting here just eating my snack watching people walk by outside, but today I felt like writing something.

I like going to busy places of solitude, (I realize that’s an oxymoron but it makes sense in my head). Like certain eateries, Ikea’s food court for example, certain coffee shops and cafés, but not Starbucks, there’s nothing isolating or solitude about Starbucks, everyone wants to know your damn name, and they sprawl it across your cup for Pete’s sake! Goodbye anonymity. And even if you use a fake name, the next time you come back, they’re like “Hey Susan! Great to see you again!” You feel slightly fraudish, and the person who you brought with you this time, this almost friend you made two weeks ago at the grocery store buying chips, (whom you actually stalked, hunted down and pounced on like a puma in desperate attempt for friendship acquisition) now thinks you’re weird, not who you said you were, and is about to question whether getting a mocha with you is the right move. Starbucks has no idea the problems they’ve caused for loner introverts just trying to be anonymous but still remain social. What a battleground.

This specific Whole Foods where I am now, I generally see people who are alone sitting and eating, or having their smoothies or teas, coffee, wheatgrass shots etc. by themselves more so than people in groups. It’s a great zone too because there’s private ish booths where you can’t see the people in the next booth and it’s got kind of a cozy vibe, you feel sort of hidden sitting there. Whoever designed the layout of this seating area with the specific type of chairs and tables did a great job. I love my spot at this long, high, ledge table thing facing the window. There’s the perfect amount of table from me to the window so I can still sprawl out my 5 different reusable ziplock bags with different snacks in them and my water bottle, my phone, a notebook and still not be disturbing the personal space of the individual beside me. I swear, whoever figured this out nailed it!

I love Whole Foods as a Company a lot too because of their values, mission, quality standards, friendly organic minded (not obsessed) people who, on so many occasions I have had lengthy philosophical, sociological or spiritual conversations with in the aisle. I feel like my people are here…well, some of them. I mean, I could have these conversations anywhere, in any grocery store, and I definitely try to! But Whole Foods isn’t just a grocery store, it’s a lifestyle and I find I meet more likeminded individuals here than I do other places.

The way it just feels here is what I like too. The comfort that I can make a unique “Emma Salad” and sit across from someone eating a single cantaloupe with a spoon, half a watermelon, 3 rock melons and 4 bananas as their meal and this be acceptable, normal and not deemed weird. I say that because some people think my salads look weird. But at Whole Foods what I’m putting in my bowl/box, it’s pretty non weird. I guess what I’m sort of getting at with this is, in a Society where scripts and standards and expectations and rules and conventions and “shoulds”, are so prevalent, permeating our minds (if we let them), staying authentic and supporting that authenticity is sometimes a challenge. Living in Vancouver makes me feel so much more normal than when I lived in Toronto. That’s a separate blog post entirely though that I’ll save for another day.

Trying to fit into something that feels opposite of what your soul needs to live, breathe, and thrive, changing who you are because that’s what they tell you you’re supposed to be, is a waste of energy and time. Fear of judgement or others’ opinions and wanting to be seen and understood in a certain way, we can exhaust ourselves with these things. There’s a great quote from a Sociologist guy I can’t remember the name of right now that goes: “I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am who I think, you think I am”.

He’s saying our sense of self is formed by imagining how others see us, not just our own self-perception or their direct perception, but our imagined perception of their judgment, which shapes our feelings about ourselves. Highlighting that identity, is a social construct, a reflection of our interpretations of others’ views, which creates a complex feedback loop where we mold ourselves to fit what we think they want.

Tip: try NOT to do that. I’ve definitely done it…for maybe eight minutes, then I said “No I’d rather teach kids how to surf in Cape Town instead of sitting in an office reading about law and human rights”, sorry Dad. I turned out ok though I think, for the most part.

Compromising who you are, in any shape or form, is a recipe for disaster. Someone used to say to me often, never compromise on the things that make you shine. You appear shiny to them precisely because you’re not trying to be shiny for them.

I think making compromises in a relationship in order to make it work better does hold value. Actually, scratch that, I think if you have to make a lot of compromises it’s going to feel like…crap, and it’s probably the wrong relationship. But really, what do I know.
This is probably why I am single. Someone who wants to compromise my salad etiquette and structure, deal breaker. I’d rather die alone…with my salad.

I like men, a lot, I get along famously with many, maybe even better than I do with women, but, after careful consideration of who I am, and what I’ve learned, witnessed, heard, experienced, I think choosing singledom for myself has been a wise choice. I know I’m cute and sexy, and fun and authentic and smart and funny but, you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t dress their salad, watch Netflix or anything for that matter that doesn’t have Timothée Chalamet or Ryan Gosling in it, and who prefers cats and trees to most people. Or maybe you do. And in that case, where ARE you?!

I don’t know how this post, which was supposed to be all about Whole Foods being my solo food haven, turned into a rant about my relationship status. It always comes back to this it seems. Single, married, divorced, situationship, boyfriend, girlfriend, the titles and labels abound. It’s funny, when someone asks me: “Are you single?” My Anthropological mind thinks, “Yes, I am one, single, human person, not two humans at once”. Like no one says: “Are you double?” Clearly no, I’m not double I don’t have a clone, there’s just one of me. “Are you a couple?” A couple of what? Ducks? Weirdos? Canadians? I think if aliens came to Earth, and landed anywhere other than Denmark (I hear life and existing there is pretty awesome) and wanted to learn about culture and language and…all of it, I think they’d probably last oh, maybe 6 days until they decided “Ya, let’s get back in the ship, head back to our planet stat where shit makes sense”.

I just laughed out loud just now and the guy sitting next to me eating his sandwich is now laughing too. Success! I love Whole Foods. I’ll make a better post about it another day that captures more of its “essence” but for now, I’ll leave this post by saying it’s a place that makes me happy, makes me feel good and understood, and, having the opportunity to live somewhere where I can find, go to, and frequent such a place, I am ever grateful for this. This one little thing. Sometimes all you need is just one small thing like this. On days when nothing makes any damn sense, Whole Foods it is! A side of sockeye salmon and a salad with my sunshine and solitude please. That was such a great alliteration sentence right there. Dropping mad “S” bombs!

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t cherish what Vancouver has to offer for my mind, my heart and my soul. And sure there’s Whole Foods in lots of cities and different kinds of health food and hippie style grocery stores all around the World and I love finding and exploring those and the different and interesting things that they have. But as much as different, new and unpredictable is great sometimes, keeps us adapting and growing, I really do also on the flip, appreciate sameness, predictability, reliability and consistency. And whether you find that in food, a dwelling, animals, nature, music, other humans, if it has those qualities, it’s a comfort and joy all the same.