When we first met you told me that I had reached my final destination. I felt it with every breath I took looking at you, inhaling you, touching you and listening to you. Being silent with you. Walking with you.
You carried me away to a wonderful place of exploration and I never imagined I could feel what it is that I do for you. You still light me up, cool me down, wrap me up and sing to me such a sweet, sweet song.
As the years have gone by I’ve needed you more in different ways, and in each way I needed you, like magic you gave it. You’ve kept showing up in exactly the right ways, like you had the secret formula of what to do every time I needed to be held just enough so that my mind and my heart could remain free, but also protected and nourished. Nourished is a great word to describe how I feel with you in my life. I feel fed in all the ways a human spirit can be fed and you do so without asking anything in return. Except, I love giving to you maybe more than you do to me but you don’t know that. You just want to give, I just want to give, and our dance is so special. Thirsty for reciprocation and it’s quenching because we know what we can do for each other and how to hit the spot, the bullseye, every time. We just know, minimal discussion, it’s an easy alignment.
When we are in sync, which is pretty much all the time, it’s thrilling, the way we beam because of one another, it feels unique. I wonder who before me it was that held the space that I now occupy. Could they do what I do? Was anyone able to do it quite like me? Before you, there were exciting moments and pleasurable times with others, but nothing like this. This makes too much sense it’s scary.
That secret little spot that I have, where I go when I need to cry and really think and process, I love the way you give me shelter when we are there together. You sit with me and listen and you always know the right things to say to make the tears flow harder and to then sweep them away. You give me my alone time, my much needed space and then, as if you’re inside my head carefully listening for when I say, “ok, come get me,” you quietly and gently appear with softness and warmth and that irresistible smile. That smile. The lines on your face, the creases, the pigments to your flesh, the tones you wear perfectly that flutter my senses higher than sky. The glaze in your eyes that pierce through every layer of longing inside me and stir the flowing potions in my veins. How do you know? How do I know? Because we’ve been doing this for centuries.
You didn’t know I was coming and I had no idea that you were a part of my answer. We’ve always been sailing together on the same ship though. You are growing me and I’m growing you too. Our healing powers like thunder and lightning, bold sound and fearless light ricocheting off one another balancing the decibels and signals to perfection.
Remember that time we were sitting on the rock in my other favourite spot? It was raining. You had a broken wing and were tired from such a long flight, trying to fly injured. You were reflecting on things and then you said to me after a long silence, “The moment you elevate who you are, what you have is forced to catch up. You’re not stuck, you’re under construction. Change who you are and what you have cannot stay the same.”
I have changed and what I have now is greater and more important and more valuable than anything I could have understood before. Pain stays only long enough to get you to that next place. Nothing happens in a state of resistance. I remember thinking that day sitting there in the rain with you how distinct and precious you are. You said to me then that I was among the rarest you had ever seen and felt.
Love stories exist in many forms. Some we can’t see or hear or touch. Those within the energetic vibrations of the Earth. It’s not just from human to human, but from element to person, animal to animal, water to tree, wind to dirt, human to rain, love is intertwined with every life form around us, breathing or not. Love can be found and cherished in whatever way we choose.
I feel so much love from you that with each breath, I inhale comfort and stability into my soul and it fills my lungs with oxygen that’s supercharged with extra molecules. When I exhale, you absorb my wisdom and you’ve shown me time and time again how it’s helped to change you too and how my presence in your life has gifted you in countless ways. I feel needed and adored.
Before I met you I didn’t know something like this was possible and maybe i’m crazy to be in love so strongly here like this, but that’s fine. I no longer have walls. I am strong and sure. The love I pass to you everyday and receive back has created an unexpected soothing partnership that I wouldn’t trade. I gave myself to you knowing this was going to be an amazing ride and it sure has. Thank you for being there for me and for watching over me. I am still in love with every part of you. You are my home.
“I realized for the first time in my life: there is nothing but mystery in the world, how it hides behind the fabric of our poor, browbeat days, shining brightly, and we don’t even know it.” – Sue Monk Kidd
You know those days where you finally stumble upon some answers? Not a lot, but just enough to make you go, “ahhhh, and there it is.” Answers to questions you have been searching and hoping for a little too tirelessly for a while now. The days where all of a sudden it clicks. I have had days lately where a lot of things were not making sense. Pondering over meanings of certain events, actions, people, interpreting certain signs, (maybe misinterpreting them?)
I love signs. And over the course of two days the Universe was screaming at me. Sign after sign after sign. The frequency was wild, I almost lost my hearing. I even had a moment where I said out loud to myself, with a chuckle and a smile, “Ok! Ok, ok, ok, I got it, I hear you, thanks guys!”
There is so much mystery around us, but inside it there always sits a plan that I think we should find comfort in trusting, even when it is far from obvious. The signs are there because there is a bigger plan. An important purpose for the confusion. A reason for the unreasonable. A method to the madness. Like that Polonius guy said in Hamlet, “Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.” That has to be one of the best lines (maybe a close second to this one: “What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn’t one today!”).
There is a lesson in the agony of the unknown and incomprehensible. When we seek answers in places that used to be reliable and dependable sources of wisdom, which now seem to be failing us, and when we look to familiar voices or thoughts in an effort to gain insight and for some reason that wisdom just isn’t following, I think there is a lot to learn from this. There is friction now in that search to solve the mystery for a reason. Looking for a sense of sureness that isn’t supposed to be there yet. “Be still and know.” Glennon Doyle says, “StopMovingStopTalkingStopSearchingStopPanickingStopFlailing. If you just stop doing, you’ll start knowing.”
It’s good to talk things out, find different ways to make sense of something. It’s great to ask others and get opinions and to analyze scenarios and outcomes. But sometimes in doing that, we can lose sight, get lost and be taken away from the very brutal fact that mystery will always be there in varying degrees and solving one mystery just frees up space for more. And when you invite someone else in to help solve the mystery, search the internet, or read books by experts, in my experience recently, it makes the mystery into something bigger than it needs to be and it turns mystery into a quest.
Don’t go searching. When there’s a jolt of mystery in my life and I want it to dissolve to reveal what’s under the surface, my new stance and developed sense tells me to allow it and don’t seek to dissolve it. It has evolved and gotten stronger and more complex for a reason. Like a huge wave building. You’re sitting on your surf board watching this behemoth arrive, bigger and bigger, growing and growing, showing you it’s face, prepping you to start paddling, the anticipation increasing to next level fear, and you’re watching very carefully the timing of each inch of growth of this wave.
Watching the mystery grow. Something about that makes me feel thrilled but also uneasy. Letting it build without resistance. Getting excited for its peak when you know that once that wave gets closer and you get to stand up, ride it, feel the height of where it’s taking you, the sprays of water pelting on your face, the motions you need to adapt to, forcing your muscles to do their thing, just the two of you, the wave and you, dancing in that domination and submissive tango, that incredible speed at which the wave is now, in many ways, directing your destiny.
Surfing is a wonderful feeling. Riding waves is an experience worth having. If you have ever surfed a decent sized wave, you know what I am talking about. Just watching surfers as they descend down the pipe can take you to similar places just from standing on the shore. Watching what happens to both surfer and wave as they connect. It’s beautiful.
Riding that wave of mystery however big it is and for however long it lasts, you do eventually reach the shore and the mystery somehow does completely dissolve as if it never existed in the first place. Solving the mystery only comes from our own action or inaction, our choices and our own “knowing” deep inside ourselves, as well as, and maybe most importantly, trusting in something bigger.
I love that waves are never exactly the same and one moment they are enormous and then the next, they don’t exist. Getting to see one, ride one, enjoy one, feel exhilarated as a result of one and then all of a sudden poof it’s gone, like you never touched it and it never touched you, but the memory of those few seconds did something miraculous. The mystery was very alive and then it vanished because of what you did or did not do, what you thought, believed and what you trusted within yourself.
What I loved about surfing too was that you knew that as you were paddling out, the next wave and that next ride, wasn’t going to be the same as the last one. That darn addicting mystery. How is this wave going to feel, am I going to feel less or more of what I just felt? I could sit all day on my board just out there watching the waves, listening, feeling, legs dangling in the water, board in between my legs just letting the waves pass and pass without riding any of them. Sitting there watching everyone else ride and have the time of their lives. There was always something peaceful about doing that. Sitting and waiting. Watching. Just breathing slowly and calmly with the ocean, me and my board, taking my time and not rushing into every wave that came at me. Making calculations. Evaluating the mystery in each kind of wave in an effort to understand how they function, build, swell, barrel, their shoulders, where their rip current is, the closeouts.
What each wave gives you is never exactly the same. So, appreciating the novelty and uniqueness of each one and how similar yet very different they can be in the way they make you feel when riding them, is I think a big part of the thrill of doing it and participating in the mystery of the ocean. The variety of feels and how each wave moves even though they are of the same force, same element, and once you’re up on that board it’s you and only you, who get to choose how you ride it.
I think we are drawn to mysterious and unpredictable things and situations sometimes. Good and not so good things happen as a result of that. Maybe there’s two or three types of people in this regard. Ones that need to know, plan, foresee and stay comfortable in the familiar and routine and predictable. Then there are the ones that enjoy the not knowing, wondering, the fact that nothing about what they are doing or where they’re going can be controlled and they’re not interested in controlling it, outcomes are not easily foreseen, and they have absolutely no idea what is coming next nor feel the desire to plan ahead for it. The third kind being someone who sits happily in between both of these. I think that’s where I might sit, fluctuating between the two in an effort to find balance.
Not having any direction or understanding where it is that you are going, on occasion, is actually in a way having some direction don’t you think? Does that make sense? Maybe not. “I have direction. My direction is a mystery.”
“Having direction” is a saying that perplexes me a bit. Can we actually have this? “I have good direction” she said. What does she mean by this? That there is less mystery in her life? She’s actively controlling and trying to minimize mystery? She’s focused on staying on a certain path only? Is someone guiding her telling her which way to go?
The Dictionary defines mystery as “something that is difficult or impossible to understand or explain.” She probably means that she understands where she wants to go and how to get there and why. But you can have a great sense of direction but also be flooded with things that are difficult or impossible to understand or explain.
You know how to surf, how to paddle out, time it perfectly, when to pop up, how to guide the board and bend your knees and how to do this dance, but, what that wave is going to do once you’re actually riding it…total mystery! Why is that so appealing? Maybe because it encourages rapid fire adapting to the conditions just like any fast-moving sport, and we want to feel like we’re killin’ it? I’m going to fire myself out there and ride that sucker and hope for the best. What is hoping for the best? The best feeling, the richest dopamine and adrenaline rush, the smoothest, most perfect ride? Hoping I don’t fall on my face? What the “best” is, obviously is individual. For me, the best outcome of surfing a wave is that there is no best outcome. The art of doing it, is the best outcome. If I bail, amazing. If I rip it, amazing. If I sit there and watch it and don’t do a damn thing, amazing.
Surrendering to the “not knowing” and what the exact outcome will be once you’re out there, alone in the ocean, no one but you, board, water, current, weather and energy, is uncertain. But in fourteen seconds I am going to know, if I decide to. Learning to surf and honing this skill, understanding waves and the ocean, is an education so much more than learning just a sport and a lifestyle. It’s really fun and exciting and requires a lot of strength and stamina, but what it does to your mind and spirit, I’m not sure many other sports on Earth do the same thing.
Waves usually have a good goal, to bring you to shore. To take you in the direction you are looking towards. There’s no mystery there. I think that, until we decide to paddle out towards them without fear, welcoming them and what is to be found there, we lose out on the gifts that surrendering affords us. The waves and the mystery of them, are the answers themselves.
When we accept, trust, love and welcome the unknown into our lives we are paddling harder towards a bigger truth and following a more vibrant path. The wave that seems way too big to even paddle for, isn’t. It’s been created just for you. The size is just right. The speed is perfect. The amount of mystery it’s holding is the correct amount. Trust it. And trust that you can ride this wave and you can rip down that pipe and still come out alive (and then get completely addicted to that feeling and never stop doing it).
I used to be a wave addict. Even watching them would get me high. But really surfing one, that rush, what a mysterious feeling, I’ve never been able to replicate that. There is an energy between you and the ocean that you just cannot get anywhere else.
Every mysterious event, coincidental occurrence and unexplainable situation is, I believe, a message. Some stronger than others. Waving at that message and excitedly paddling towards it, watch what happens. You can always stop paddling once you get closer to it, re evaluate, sit, wait, let this wave roll under you, then as the next one appears make a new call. But always keep paddling in that direction signaling to the ocean that you’re on board, literally. Expressing the cohesion.
Each wave will take you on a great ride. There will be more clarity in front of you because you paddled out. Things will make more sense. You are on top of the mystery, guiding it as it is guiding you. Both going to the same place. The mystery wants you to give it all you got in all forms of belief and trust. It is not your foe but a friend sent to help guide you. And you are allowed to take comfort in knowing that no matter how big and intimidating it is right now, it won’t be this big forever.
When we allow the Universe to take care of us, it gives us leverage to create something wonderful. Trusting in signs, messages and in the confusions, can take you from feeling directionless and throw you smack dab into a place where meaning and importance for what you are here to do and be, is more obvious. Trust is so powerful. Belief and optimism are like elixirs that if you consistently drink them, they keep you hydrated in the most valuable ways.
Whatever you’re thinking right now reading this, it’s valid and there’s truth to it. This post today is your sign. Go with it!
When we fully let go, breathe and let the wave of mystery penetrate our vibrational forces, befriending it, we can find more beauty and more significance in the life we are trying our best to live. We begin to connect more deeply to a higher purpose.
Emma Wisdom 